Hey, whoa!
That's a crowd out there, Joe.
What's going on?
It's like a kind of music monastery or cathedral full of overexcited rock monks.
We're stood on the balcony of the cathedral like two popes.
I think we're being pushed out on some massive ornamental thing like in the film 300 where like all naked and we've got
piercings and weird tattoos.
And we're about 14 foot tall.
And we talk like this.
And we may or may not be gay.
I think we probably are.
Yes.
Depending what day of the week it is.
We're two gay giants and we know a lot about music.
There's a brand new shape to our podcast this week.
We decided that they were too long before.
Yeah, so we've slimmed them down.
We've got a podcast bikini body for you now.
Because this podcast is the first of our new bi-weekly podcasts.
Yeah, that's right.
And, even though they are shorter individually, together they add up to extra long value.
Also, if you're watching a bad TV programme, you could turn the sound down and listen to this and it should last exactly the same amount of time as a bad sitcom.
As a 20-minute show.
Yeah.
Two episodes of Newsround.
Anyway, shall we get on?
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Hope you've enjoyed it, listeners.
That's it, bye.
No actual music.
No, I'm kidding.
I'm joking, of course.
Hey, let's have a song.
Let's get straight in there with a song.
What are we going to start with?
Let's have something from Ireland.
That wasn't an Irish accent.
Why did you say it like that?
That wasn't an Irish accent.
You started off being racialized.
I'm chewing gum.
Racialistic.
I'm chewing gum.
Are you?
And I just happened to say the I of Ireland on the up of a chew.
Ireland!
Ireland!
I like that.
I'm killing them!
That's the kinetics, with a smile and crack your face.
That's good stuff, man.
That's all there.
It's all happening.
Is that a phrase you're familiar with?
A smile and crack your face!
Oh, I've done an Irish accent again, haven't I?
Is that a phrase you're familiar with?
Yeah, I've heard that one before.
Has it ever been said to you?
No, because I've got a smiley face.
If you were in a pub, feeling a bit miserable in Ireland, and someone said that to you, what would you come back with?
What would be the wittiest, quickest retort to that?
Stick it in your hole!
Stick it in your hole?
Yeah!
Say it to me, say it to me.
Hey, glum pants!
A smile'd crack your face!
Yeah, well, a frown'd make your elbows bad!
No, you bastard!
Are these Irish accents a good idea?
No, not for the people of Ireland.
No, they find them offensive.
It's word reductive.
Everyone else is chuckling.
Anyway, this month I've been listening to as much of the music as I can.
I had a lot of fun writing down some of the names of the bands, because there's good band names out there, but I was shocked, actually, by the fact that there could have been a few more.
Do you know what I mean?
I think people could be a bit more creative with their band names.
Next month, listeners, especially musician listeners, I want to see you uploading some ludicrous band names onto the Coke website, OK?
So far, this month, my favorites are, in no particular order, Isle of Lucy, Varicose Vein.
Now, this is all one word.
Music for crap.
Music for crap.
Wow.
That means they want to be paid in crap.
Yeah.
And does that mean just, you know, second-hand stuff or actual, like, manure?
Well, it might not be literal.
It might just, they might be saying crap as in video games that, you know, modern detritus.
If they're in a, like, a bargaining, in a negotiation situation contractually.
Right.
The record company would be.
Put them on shaky ground.
Exactly.
Legally, if they were actually paid in manure.
Yeah.
It would be their own fault.
Yeah, if they were paid with a wheelbarrow full of old jumpers, some used Fisher-Price toys, some string and food that's past its sell-by date, they'd have to be happy with that.
Well, exactly.
Music for crap.
Here's another band name.
Crazy, with three E's at the end.
Really?
And a K or a C?
C. And the last one that I liked was Nuck Chorus Gang.
Hey, that's good.
Anyway, I'd like to see more interesting band names next month.
Well, I think you can stuff it up your hole.
Anyway, let's play some music right now.
This is a track from France.
What's this one called?
Yeah, this is chosen by our French musespert, JD.
It's by a band called Florian Mona, and this track's called Planère.
Planère.
What does it mean, Planère?
It means fresh air.
Fresh air.
Wow, it's a kooky instrument explosion from France.
All the kooky instruments represented the banjo, the wurlitzer, the hurdy-gurdy, the egg-and-spoon man.
Egg-and-spoon man?
The egg-and-spoon man?
What are you talking about?
Who's he?
That's his race.
that you've attached the word man onto.
It's a man who plays the spoons, who also specialises in egg and spoon races.
What are you talking about?
Florian Moaner there.
Do you think Florian's someone that enjoys to moan, enjoys moaning, I like to enjoy to moan?
It might just be someone's name.
Florian's rather a lovely polysexual name.
Now listen, I'm going to slightly gross you out and I apologise to people who feel that we're already too lavatorial, but I have to share this with you.
I was in the house alone this weekend.
My family were away and I had the run of the place.
It was a lovely sunny afternoon and I threw the doors open and roamed around fully clothed.
Incidentally, I don't advocate wandering around the house naked, even if you're on your own, because it's dangerous.
But after a while of wandering around and enjoying the solitary freedom of my sunny house,
I went in to sit down and watch television on my lovely big comfy cream-coloured couch.
And in the middle... I'm trying to guess what's going to happen in this story.
What do you think?
I don't know, but I'm just trying to detect the set-ups.
Right.
The cream-coloured couch isn't promising.
No, it's not promising.
It's going to become discoloured, isn't it?
It is.
Go on then.
So, in the middle of the cream-coloured couch in which I'm about to sit and luxuriate is a collection of turds.
Now, what do you mean?
Are they moist or dry?
They are moist, but they're... Now, you've got young sons.
Exactly.
You don't have any pets.
None pets.
You should have set that up as well.
Right.
Okay.
I have no pets, but I have two young sons, the youngest of which is three, and may well have deposited said turds on the creamy couch before he left for the weekend.
That's the first thing that sprang into my head, right?
Because they looked human.
I inspected them.
I mean, I was freaked out and upset.
So I inspected them.
I thought, what?
Natty, that's the name of my youngest, what are you doing?
I thought you were out of this phase, I was thinking to myself, you know.
I thought not even Natty could do this.
This is just gross behaviour.
That would be Natty Dreadful.
Exactly.
So I inspected them closer.
Cat hairs.
The neighbour's cat had come into your house.
Had come into the house.
Gone on your sofa.
Gone on the sofa and done.
Done a catty poo.
Cat pops all over the creamy couch.
Wow.
On my solitary fun day.
What's that all about?
I mean, you love cats and you take care of your cat.
You would never let your cat do that, would you?
Poo on a stranger's sofa.
Yes.
I'd be quite proud.
Well done, Catty.
Well done, Catty.
Who's sofa you gonna s**t on next, you brutal little geezer?
I sent that cat.
I've been training it for years.
Let's go to Greece now.
Would you like to go to Greece?
I'd love to go to Greece.
It's very nice around this time of year.
Now I know a girl there and she's very attractive and she done this song and it's going to turn you on.
This is a band called Info and the track is called Maza.
Check it out.
Wow.
That sort of felt like going on holiday to Greece.
Yeah.
It was very relaxing.
Seagulls there.
She's done a good job.
We're not sure what she's singing about there.
I think she's giving you instructions on how to reconfigure your email.
Right.
Just in a sort of sexy contempo pop way.
Now, listeners, don't forget that our new podcast is bi-weekly.
You're wrapping it up?
Well, you know, we're running out of time.
It's a new super slim... Running out of time!
Get fit for summer.
Special K for your morning meal and your evening meal.
Lose at least an inch in a month.
Podcast.
Look at my bikini body.
You've lost a lot of weight.
I've lost a lot of weight, haven't I?
You are a sexy mummy.
You're a yummy mummy.
I haven't eaten anything for 10 weeks.
That's the new commercial.
No, that's just what mums say to each other.
That's what mums say.
When they say goodbye to each other, it's true.
And then they smile and wrinkle their noses and pat their bums and go to Asda.
So folks, it's all over.
I'm sorry about it.
It seemed very brief to me.
But I hope you enjoyed it and we'll be back with you in a couple of weeks.
In a fortnight.
A fortnight, in other words.
So we'll see you in two weeks.
Take care.
Love you.
Bye.
Goodbye.